Being heart broken… is one of the most difficult pain to endure. There is no physical medical symptom except that the entire body and mind shuts down. A pain that you could not describe, but… imaginable. It’s like your heart being physically pierced. It bleeds without bleeding. A chandelier crashing to pieces that cannot be pieced back.
The most hated word people don’t want to hear is “Get over it”. The people who say this to you is very likely have not been to where you’re at. It may be the same health prognosis name, a relationship break-up, family disputes and so forth, but they could “get over it” because somehow it did not affect them the way it is affecting you. Maybe actually some “got over it” by not addressing it, and putting a “plaster” over it!
I personally think that it is a bad decision – to get over it. It’s not over until it’s dealt with. At least on your part, the emotional experience and thoughts. Very often people were advised – just to move on. Doing this is actually covering your emotional being without addressing the inner core of your thoughts. Our emotions are given to us for a reason. Just like physically feeling pain is a warning sign that the physical body is out of alignment and that something is not right. Emotional experiences is the same, to feel hurt, to feel angry, to feel happy. It is an expression of your inner core well-being. When this is not attended to, the mind goes into depression or a “black hole” because of it’s inability to find answers.
To be emotionally healthy is to allow yourself to experience the expression it outputs and find answers that you, can accept.
For example, when there is a relationship break-up, more often than not, you jump right into another relationship or have a sexual intercourse to ease that pain – (before orgasm it releases oxytocin that helps the brain to release endorphins, a natural pain killer) That is one of the reason why some people continue to seek sex because they like that feeling sexual intercourse produces. So in other words, they may not love you, but love the fact that sex is good. It can also deceive you into believing that you are “in love”. It could also be the feeling of “lost-ness” that will push you to believe that a relationship would cure it. Some will use other substances to numb the emotional pain that they cannot control through alcohol, drugs etc.
Therefore many have gotten married for the wrong reasons, ending with up with relationships that wasn’t thought through, trudging through the grind of life, losing your passion, your mission and at the end, yourself. Because the relationship is sexually based, when sex is no longer good or available, they move on because they have lost that endorphin release which has become the “chaser”. One of the major marriage break down is also because of the absence of sex. This comes to my point, did you love the person or what he or she could give you – sex?
In the Bible, sex is a gift given in marriage. It is a holy gift given to two consenting parties who decided that they want to love each other and care for one another for the rest of their lives. Then the gift is sex and all it brings in your emotional well-being. Without this boundary, many people now indulges in sex before the marriage. So the pursuant of that relationship, is actually sexually based, no longer a person based. I also know of relationships though even as husband and wife, they withheld sex from each other, this reason is mostly an act of “testing your love for me or the sex I can give you”. Sex also became the speedometer of your relationship.. if that person loved you, because you think sex is an expression of love.
What if I tell you right now, sex is sex – a vehicle for reproduction and not an expression of love and all you have been doing is actually being addicted as a “chaser” just as some chased the drugs that gave them the high? And that love does not equals sex. How would things change for you? Are you willing to continue to love or be with the person through the good times and down times, when the person’s behaviour is “unloving” or unkind at times, when the going is tough, when there is an illness?
A heart is broken when it has been betrayed. When a person leaves you. When a person passes away. When you can no longer have that person in your life. You cannot believe why nor understand the what just happened. The first shock you go through is anger and then the emotional pain because the mind cannot make sense out of it. You realised that you lost not just a partner, but a friend, a person you talked to, argued with, debated, shared life with. You did things together. You were in each other’s space. Everyday. And now that person is gone. How do you make sense of that, now that you are left alone?
Bear in mind that the person who does the walking out, have no such experience. They may be upset, angry or unhappy when they were in the relationship and decided to do something about it… which ended up in walking out of your life. They didn’t give you a chance to talk about it or give each other some time and find a reconcilable alternative. Most of these times, the person who walked out have given a lot of thought about it and has been brewing it but maybe not vocalise it in a way the other partner was ready to listen. Some even strayed whilst still in the relationship. Some have emotionally detached themselves from the relationship, almost like waiting for it to die off at some point. They have been waiting for an opportune time. Note also that none of these actions are a loving action.
A loving person recognises the hurt he or she is causing if they walked out of your life. A loving person recognises that they will do whatever it takes to stay together and bear with the phases the other partner has to go through. In other words, they stand by you. They care about your feelings. There is no perfect partner. But to be responsible for the person’s emotional being that you have gotten yourself involved with. So very often, we have just opted OUT. It would’ve been ok if both parties are agreeable that it didn’t work out for some reason. But it is certainly not ok if only one party agrees with it. I say this because in the first place, something did work. You did like each other. In fact, you may have even liked each other for a couple of years! That’s a lot of time spent together. You have become a family whether you recognise it or not and build your life around each other. And then at some point, your mind listen to voices around you that you don’t deserve this, you are being used, you are not appreciated etc etc.. which the voice very often revolves around the ‘you should just leave’. And then you would notice and justify all the reasons that you should. Forgetting what was there in the initial phase of the relationship. The back door lays open.
But it has happened. Someone in your life walked out.
Healing comes when you learn to embrace the pain. It’s okay to cry. You may be confused for a while. There will be battering of thoughts how you have failed. You may be angry with the person. All these are valid emotions. Some people cry for months and even years. I think it’s ok. Take as long as you want. You will be over it when you make up your own mind that you’re done with it. But during the grieving period, take an account of yourself. Get to know yourself. How were you responsible for the break up? Accept that, in some ways, we all contributed to their decision because we are not perfect. We cannot be everything for our partners. But also recognise your positive attributes in the relationship. We were something to them too. We meant something to them. If the other party does not want to reconcile, we also have to accept their decision.
So what do you do now? Date yourself! Learn how you could be a better partner if you recognise your own shortcomings and mistakes. Have you “lost” yourself and your passion in pursuant of the relationship? Go back to it. What makes you happy before it became all about that person and what you want in that relationship. Indulge in a hobby. Catch up with friends you’ve left behind when you were in the relationship. Cook for yourself. Attempt something new. You may discover something else about yourself. Above all, pursue to live for yourself again, not for someone.
In the book of Jonah, you see that God called Jonah to a mission. Jonah did not do as asked. The Bible says that God sent wind to create a storm, then He sent a whale, and also a leafy plant to protect him and soon a worm to eat up the plant too! God is Sovereign. Everything has to go through His hands. The good and the ugly.. He is in control. Where you are now, God is in control.
What God cannot teach you through words and instruction, you will have to go through it through experience. – Dharius Daniels
What is it that God wants you to learn from this? About yourself and your situation? Whatever happened, God has allowed it. Sometimes we have to be broken down, in order that something new can be made, moulded again.
I have been on both sides. I did the walking out, and someone walked out on me. What I didn’t experience when I walked out, I experienced it when someone did it to me. I learned that God is in control. He is actually watching over me. He wanted me to learn what it means to have a relationship. Not that He let this happen so that I learn. That is not the way of God. It happened because we did not choose to listen to instruction. Each time I had a breakdown, I run smacked into the devil’s lair. But this time I chose to hide. I hid in the Word and pursue God.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” – Psalms 91:1,2
A strong healthy relationship is when both parties are comfortable with themselves. They recognise their strengths and their partner’s strength. They are always supporting and encouraging each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11) They have a mutual respect for each other & assumes the best (Proverbs 19:11) They team up not tear down. They share each other’s burden (Galatians 6:2) but also be responsible for your own conduct (Galatians 6:4,5)
Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct – Galatians 6:4,5 NLT
Lastly, find a way to be content. (1 Timothy 6:6,7)
You cannot keep on thinking about why they left, because you cannot control his or her actions. You can start focusing on God and what He wants of you.
Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. – Psalms 37:3-5
In Mark 8:22-26 Jesus heals a blind man in Bethsaida. He laid his hands on him and then asked the man, what do you see? The man replied, I see people, but they looked like trees, walking. Then Jesus laid his hands the second time and his sight was fully restored.
Sometimes in our lives, we have been “seeing trees”. Our restoration work is not fully done in us. We walk around limping as Christians and half blind to the things of God. Sometimes it takes the breaking down to have a full restoration and to see clearly again. God certainly loves us and wants to finish what He has started in us.
Trust Him.
❤ Mamajenn
Love to hear from you! Do comment or Share