Running on empty.
We smirked at each other. Then passed quirky subtle notes. A little nudge here and there. He smiled boyishly. Eventually there would be a “hey, wanna catch a bite or coffee?” Before you know it, it was that touch, that kiss and then never thinking anymore but letting the adrenaline of fiery passion to take over every decision. There was no “decision”. Like a fire, it takes over the direction of your life.
Along the way, after the fire has dwindled… you begin to notice the subtle hints of “err…. what’s that?” He has his guy thingy of looking at other women. Or I don’t know which is worse, he doesn’t even notice a thing, not even you. He starts to “laugh at you” and it hurt. He didn’t know how to be there for you when you needed him the most… like you had a fight with your sister and he’ll just avoid you both altogether. Or try to remove you from your sister. Too much of these, then he’ll start to “slip away”. He just shows up when he needs to sleep. Other days, he is “I am busy. I have to work. I have to pay the bills. I have meeting with the boss at 11pm” And then the super famous, “I need a ‘me’ time”. The ‘we’ time was a part of all the responsibilities we have to fulfil.
It tanks.
Most marriages runs on empty tanks. Before you know it, one of us will bail out. Reality. Emotionally they start to ‘divorce’ each other without realising it. They don’t want anything you want to give them. They show disinterest on purpose, less they should love you again, need you again, want you again. They don’t trust anymore. Revengeful heart. They look elsewhere for love. The ‘love’ that once played a part in their lives, is buried. This now, astoundingly not only happens in marriages, but family relationships as well. Father to sons and daughters, son and daughters to mothers, sibling rivalries.
Crossroads. Do I stay or do I move on for the sake of my happiness? Some will make “one last effort”.
In those times, I chanted the word “God is enough for me”. It held me for a period of time. Finally, the truth was, “love” was not enough for me. I didn’t understand how can God be enough for me. I couldn’t love the person anymore, no more than the person wants to love me. The storm hit, I lived in solitude, distant from everything, like sinking into nowhere. Questions that no one could answer for me. They just tell me it’s wrong to leave. They tell me to hang in there. They tell me to pray. But no one asked, “what do you want and how can I help?” I was sinking further away. I lived in the land of sadness and sickness. I was on an empty tank.
Starvation.
When you lived long enough in that land, starvation makes you go on an eating binge. You don’t care what you “eat”. As long as it’s there, available, you eat. This eating binge will cause you to vomit. You start to hate yourself. You made yourself into something that you aren’t. You became someone you don’t even know anymore. Even knowing the bite is going to be awful, you take just another smaller bite. Some will wake up. Some don’t. They start licking their wounds. Obsessiveness will lead to the wound getting far worse than it was in the beginning. In rebounds, you carry all these wounds and it continues to fester itself. It will never be tamed nor satisfied. Remember I said “buried”? It was never forgotten.
Restoration.
It comes when you are no longer fighting it. When you wake up and find yourself in a garden. A garden where flowers bloom. For a moment in time life was full of darkness, hatred, anger and like a raging storm. But now you see… the storm’s not there. You hear birds tweeting in the backyard. Life goes on for others. You trust no one. You curl up under the tree and hoped that the birds and flowers will tell you the truth, because they became your comfort. Where was God now? They say He was, He is, and is to come! So He is past, and present, and future!
“Truly I tell you,” He said, “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. – Matthew 18:3
So, Mr Rabbit was there… and Lily the cat… and so was Mr Humpus the Tiger. But the best was little Charlene. She is Mr Rabbit’s daughter. Would like me to tell you more?
The world was not made for one like me. As I laid under the tree long enough, cried enough, and stayed still, then, I learned that, God.. is enough for me. He is not the tree I curl under, He is the one who made the tree for my comfort. Chanting words you know is not going to help. I learned that it was a relationship that we need to have with the Creator himself, just as we need relationships with people. It’s not a book you need. It’s not just words but to know the Word Himself. He, created them – relationships. People around me will continuously disappoint me, because we are all for our selfish needs. Including myself! Not and unless, you lived in a garden with Mr Rabbit and his camaraderies of course!
In the midst of my trials now, I remember that God is enough for me. And by this time, as I get what it means, He is truly enough for me. It’s a constant and conscious choice to go back to the basic – that He made the world in 7 days (Genesis 1-3) Do you know what that means? It means, He owns everything and He knows everything. The enemy has thrown every hard ball at me since I was conceived in my mother’s womb. God preserved my life, not once, but many times. Why is the enemy so interested in my life? Or yours? Why is he so interested to end it, spoil it, kill it in every possible way?
I must be…. important.
Remember I just said earlier that the world was not made for one like me? It was a lie the enemy planted in my head. My heavenly Father made it just for me and you, and Mr Rabbit and his camaraderies. It’s just the way it was suppose to be. God’s enemy does not want you or me to enjoy it, especially the way God intended it to be enjoyed. The enemy has set traps and lies, taking away families, relationships and joy of creation. In place of that, we live in defeat, with doldrums, waywardness, and every debauchery and sorcery the enemy can think of to cut your ties with all the goodness of the Creator. We worship and put creation on the pedestal instead. We believe that God has given us a crystal ball and now we have to juggle it. We try to… FIX it. The enemy is not just out there. He has invaded the churches and the lives of people, Christians, who are still being tossed by the wind and the seas –
until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God, as we mature to the full measure of the stature of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed about by the waves and carried around by every wind of teaching and by the clever cunning of men in their deceitful scheming. – Ephesians 4:13,14
I am not important like a VIP etc etc. Not as the world sees it. I don’t need a red carpet or a stage for that matter. I am important, however, to God. I matter to God. I am His child. I have every right to live this life, in accordance to His ways. I have to overcome my trials, just as Jesus did. And by the way, He already won. I just need to step in to it.
Now, in the garden there was two olive trees. One on each side. There was a cascading waterfall in between. It’s path seems endless. No one knows where it begins nor ends. The water gently flows… and it shimmers like gold. Mr Rabbit now polishes his glasses. “Go on” he says, looking at me. Of course like a little child I beamed back at him. “Charlene, would you come with me?” I asked. Charlene clapped her paws with glee and looked at her dad. Mr Humpus now pranced nervously at the edge. He looks like he wants to take a dive!! 😛 (I can hear the sounds of little furry animals giggling at that)
The story begins and the story ends. We all have a choice. The choices we make tells us we are taking some risks of unknown. Some “stories” are never ending. Once you step in, it doesn’t mean the life of Mr Rabbit and all takes over you and you will be covered in shimmery gold all your life! The path grows on you with each step you take until you are an embodiment of that life. It becomes you, refined.. like gold.
Is it possible you ask? Well, only you know how far in you want to go on this journey. Is He, enough for you?
❤ mamajenn
But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever. – Psalm 52:8
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