Here I am, after a long silence.
I was angry, I was bitter and I was hurt. I taught these to people, that one plus one does not equals to two. In math, yes. In life, no. Yet, I sat in bitterness. My anger was a refusal to accept the way things turned out to be. It always is, unbelievable. So, is there something you could do about that? No. We cannot control the result of other people’s choices… that includes your spouse, your children, your friends and families. Hurt is a result of dissappointment and dissappointment is a result of expectation.
We always claim that we don’t expect much. Such a lie we tell ourselves. We do expect a lot.. from ourselves and others. If we didn’t, then there would be no cause for us to be angry or bitter.
I sat in the woods. The trees around me makes hushes every now and then. Everything, at that moment, was quiet and beautiful. I didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh. I looked into the distance. The trees becomes a blur. Like a painting. If only life was like this every day, every moment. But then, even nature knows it. It has to go through the seasons. Soon it will be cold. The leaves will burn out and drop off. The cold winter will set in. And all will have to be “buried” for a season. Nature, obediently submits to its purpose.
But as for us, we put up a fight. We refuse to let go, refuse to accept, refuse just about everything! Relationships don’t work in the workplace and families because of it. The fear behind it bounds us. Fear of being dominated, fear of being rejected, fear of losing your identity, fear of being alone etc. There is always a fear behind it. Ask yourself, why are you reacting to certain things in your life. You love your husband but the very thing he says will trigger you off into a “tasmanian devil” so to speak. You love your children but it seems like “everything” they do drive you nuts and you lose your poise and starts yelling. And yet you’ve just prayed a prayer to be patient.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love (1 John 4:18) ESV
To be perfected in love, is learning to submit, let go and trust the One who has you in His Palms. We don’t trust because we don’t believe He has us in His Palms. You see, you are angry with your sons and daughters, but it doesn’t change the fact that you love them. So it is with God. He created you, so He loves you, regardless of what you are doing in your life right now. But until we learn to let go of our ways, our intuition and beliefs, He cannot fill us with the blessings for our lives. He doesn’t force us to listen to Him. You always have a choice.
Submission is hard. I was “buried” for a season. I know much of God’s teaching, but I stil vent out every now and then. I know that fear has me bounded. I learned to surrender and trust God, that since He is the Creator, He can do anything for me. I have seen Him do wonderful and marvelous things for others. I saw them accept Christ, got baptised, found a wonderful partner, walked down the aisle and was blessed financially. I saw healing in children, from cancer, deathly diseases and the lame walked. I saw marriages reconciled and many came for salvation to be saved. I saw so many miracles over the years! So I cried out to God and ask “can you do this also for me? Teach me your ways and let me follow you”.
Like Peter, I got out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. It was NOT an easy path… because of the habitual resistance. But one step at a time, one year passed. Is God faithful? Yes He is. He first surrounded me with new support. I started physio therapy and the therapist found some misaligned hip joints which has hindered my walking these years. My surgeon did not recommend me to see a physio therapist but says I should just do exercises at home. That didn’t help as doing exercises further inflammed the misaligned joints. After that I started dance as a therapy to strengthen my body. I find myself “waking up” as blood circulation became better. I was beginning to enjoy life once again. Doors begin to open up as I continue to seek His direction. From a slow start, God begin to excellerate it’s progress. I noticed that new doors only begin to open when there is obedience. He knows exactly what you need and if you are ready for some “big” doors! The door He intended for me landed me in Lake Como, Italy. A story for another time!
Many a time I have always wanted things “my way”. How arrogant is that? God’s ways are higher than my ways and way better! The best part of my journey right now is He says, “I want you to learn how to be a woman. Not as you think, not how you were influenced but MY WAY, the way I purposed for you.” And how different is it? Well, way different than what I thought. My realisation was that relationships failed because a woman has not fully understood her purpose and design. Not the man.
Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands – Proverbs 14:1 CSB
God is a God of Redemption. He redeems what is lost. Most of us have lost Love. The ability to love another. The ability to trust another. Our love is shallow. It is conditional. Must have 5 Cs.. or whatever it is now. We don’t even know how to love anymore. We are afraid to love because love hurts… so they say. Love, should not hurt. It does not hurt when it is unconditional. This is an Agape Love. God’s way of loving. You love because God loves. I did not comprehend what it meant to have an agape love until now.
In the woods, I laid down on the autumn leaves, with the rustling of the trees. I stared up… only subtle sunlights peeking through those lush leaves. They were like dancing softly. It was like God saying, “be still and know that I am God”. It was a beautiful moment. I wished I could lay there all day. But there is always much to do, because this is a new beginning. He has seen me through my mountains, the sun is now breaking through.
“Dear Lord, I asks not for gold or riches but that you show me your ways, whether to turn to the left or to the right… that my path may please you. The road is not always straight but you will see me through. My eyes I close them, trusting only in your hand to lead me. Speak Lord, let thy servant hear you, for your voice is gentle and tender and a fire to my soul. Where you lead, I will go. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen”