You would not have seen me today, nor hear from me. It was not a surgery, disease or violence that could’ve taken my life. It would have been a silent killer. The ‘one’ that runs in your mind. The ‘one’ that grips your heart and tells you to take your own life.
I read an article some time ago about a person who committed suicide, but just the day before he was happy with his young son and wife out on a boat trip. They never suspected anything. His wife was left bewildered. I didn’t understand then. Depression is a silent killer but then, I thought he was happy, he was healing wasn’t he? What is depression and why do we feel that way?
I can’t say for others, but I do know I suffered the symptoms of depression for years not knowing what it was called. I only know it as “I didn’t know what I was living for”. My life was quite pointless. My childhood was pointless as I grew up alone. My parents were divorced. My younger brother was sent to a caretaker. My sister went to school at a different hour than mine… so I basically, lived alone. I didn’t play with neighbors, living in one of the most notorious street in town, and did not have friends at school. I kept to myself mostly. When I grew up and left school, I didn’t socialise well in my adulthood. I kept a small circle of people in my life. The people I did meet outside of that small circle was only interested in what you have to give them. I chose to marry at a young age, for protection, that unfortunately led to another quiet life… of living alone. Which eventually lead to a series of health issues. I became literally unwell for the entire period of the marriage and I still didn’t know what I was suffering from. The only reason I lived, was to see my children grow up as ‘they needed’ me. I had, at least, a little purpose.
Yesterday as I was seated in front of my computer, (the week hasn’t been great) I decided to pop a Vitamin B supplement conveniently.. only to see a shadow in my mind that I ‘wished’ the bottle had been something else that I could have ‘pour down’ my throat and kill myself. It was the most bizarre thought I concocted! I thank God I am wide awake to see myself in the light. I wondered why that thought came. Here I am, supposedly enjoying the time of my life, I had been travelling, I regained body strength, I am happy doing the things I love and I even have plenty of things planned for the year ahead! By the way, this reminded me also about a famous up and coming vet who had everything going for her and she was planning on a book on behavorial science with your pets and was to go to London to discuss further on the project when her assistance found her dead that week. She hung herself. I, was shocked. Everything looked good… what happened??!
Later in the night, my heart was stricken with so much pain and I began to feel a bitter taste in my throat. Instead of running around like a headless chicken and start to pop medicines, I seek the Lord. Yes for most of us, it’s grabbing the Inderal, the Xanax, Prozac, and just whatever you have in your ‘stock’. I said NO. Some people will go for that bottle, drink it away, go crazy noisy places to drown out your own pain or be buried in your work so that you ignore those pains. The only way to heal, is actually to hear yourself out. Learn to deal with the pain not with medication, but with understanding.
God began to show me my pain.
I was inflicted with so much insecurities that it pierced me. His hands on another in my first year of marriage. The other one that walked out without a word but you saw his actions and knew he was with another. The one who chose the other one rather than you. The one who left. And the ‘one’ in the shadows kept reminding you so that you would not believe that life can take a new turn. You can imprison yourself not allowing others ‘to hurt you’. You didn’t want to love again. You are afraid of being loved and loving others.
It could be you are healed. You felt better. But then you experienced a little pain here and there. Then the ‘one’ in your mind tells you.. it could be something worse. “It came back!” and such things. And everytime you thought things are going better, there, at the back of your mind, in the shadows, ‘the one’ kept reminding you things of the past.
Elijah the prophet was good at enduring the drought. He prayed hard, he fought hard. (1 Kings 17-19) He survived famine. He believed in God for miracles. And then (what he prayed for) the rains came. But when it came, he ran. And he would later run for his life and hid because Jezebel had threatened to kill him. A prophet. A man who prays to God. A man who performed miracles can be afraid of a threat – threat of a woman.
The ‘one’ in the shadow cannot kill you. If it could kill you, it will do so without a threat or warning. It is trying to get you running. Run from the promises of God. To run from the blessing you had prayed for. God will not revert His blessing or goodness because He is a God of love. His intention is to bless us and love us, even yet, as while we live here on earth!
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven – Matt 6:10 KJV
What are you going through? Are you running away from the very thing you have prayed for? It may not look like an easy path for you, but it may be the path to healing, blessing and promises. There are some things you are currently doing, and asking yourself, “what’s the point?” Remember, David was playing music to his sheeps in the fields and was later called to play music for the King! (1 Samuel 16:14-23) Was David ever planning the music be fit for a King?? No he didn’t.
For example, I wondered why I keep writing on this blog. Does it even help anyone? Does it make any sense? But God keep directing me to write, though hardly anyone reads. I like painting and caligraphy too and wondered why I have been spending time doing these things. What are these things for Lord? But then He reminded me about David’s music. So I keep coming back here telling my experience, sometimes very reluctantly because I am exposing so much of myself and what I am going through.
For me depression is what your brain cannot comprehend. It is at a loss. It is always trying to find a purpose in life. It questions about life and it’s moral degradation. When the mind experience/conclude injustice hurts, the body releases toxins that can eventually kill itself. Like the bittertaste in my mouth. (Scientists found that animals killed violently releases toxins at death) Thus, depression comes from a thought process that concludes it’s painful injustice, and the body begins to experience long term illnesses. I was literally sick with all kinds of attacks one after the other (migrain, IBS, UTI, anxiety attacks, depression, weakness in the body, etc) The more deeper the mind experiences the pain, it produces more serious health problems.
Lord Jesus, heal me from depression. Restore my mind to believe in Your goodness. You said you will never leave me nor forsake me. You died on the cross so that I can live, not only in Heaven but also on earth. Let your will be done upon my life. Show me the good way. Keep me focused. Help me to carry on though some things may look “pointless”. There is a greater purpose. You have the bigger picture. I am a part of a puzzle. I will fit where you have prepared a place for me. I choose Life. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done. On earth as it is in Heaven.
I am, ‘Heaven’ on earth!.. in progress.
mamajenn ❤
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